...Being able to journal frequently is another one of these sad casualties suffered in living in a tiny, infested RV long-term. Dustin and I feel less and less comfortable here in Mom and Richard’s house, mostly considering Rich’s random mood swings and words vs. actions confliction. On one hand he’ll be telling us not to rush out to soon, it’s important to do this right, while on the other he regularly huffs around in irritation, tells us he drinks more now that we’re here, or outright ignores us. I’ve never seen Dustin so ill at ease with company. He’ll hang out with him when we’re here, and be very friendly and amiable, but when we get back to the RV he’s stressed beyond belief, judging that he’ll never find good steady work here (his skills were high-paying in the East, but here all the Mexicans do it for less).

I cried hard last night, climbing into the back of the van again to sleep alone, to be rid of the horrible bedbug infestation (they only feast on my flesh, luckily). I miss being with my family, but I miss more the space that is necessary to keeping your sanity intact. Besides the unbelievable itch that takes months to recede, thousands of tiny ants regularly find their way into the RV, and I have to spray toxic Raid and have on more than one occasion wondered if Naia had gotten her hands into something I’ve sprayed, only to put her fingers in her mouth. I don’t remember what it’s like to sleep in a regular bed. For the first couple months it was the futon in the RV, but we know we have to burn that thing now. Most of our things will have to be tossed or burned in order to keep the colony out of our new home, whenever we get one.

Autumn is here, they say. The incessant cloud-free, sunny skies turned overcast in 24 hours, partly to my relief, but it’s a reminder that winter is close- it won’t be a New England winter, but it will freeze. We need to get out now, for so many reasons.

I’m getting a lot of pressure to go back to working in food service, and the thought of going back into that industry fills me with sickness and dread. I fucking hate those people more than I can express. They’re all generic, stupid bitches with more interest in their fingernails than anything of any substance at all. I will do it because I have to, but oh God do I abhor it. I was figuring I could get enough catering gigs to float us, on top of Memorialists jobs, but the website is taking forever to go live (problems with text) and Mom isn’t getting many jobs. I have my first catering date this weekend, sigh… we shall see. Obviously, not excited one bit. I used to be, I really did. I’m just burned out. I want to be with my child, soaking in life and love instead of constantly fretting about money, finances, getting ahead. We’re too ambitious to end up like our parents. I’m ready to be a publisher for Memorialists. I have so many plans for this company.

I’ve been working on some really beautiful business cards. Dave (Dustin's Dad) wants to print them out on his medium format inkjet photo printer. That thing is amazing- something like that is exactly what we need to put out a seriously quality product. The website, along with an expanded knowledge of search engine optimization, should really widen our client base; then we can afford to bring in higher quality technology, like printers, Photoshop, etc.

A week ago or so I spent almost an hour going through Mom and Richard's channels, looking for good stuff for their DVR to record, stuff we could watch together, movies, shows, the like. A few days ago when I remembered, I told Richard I had recorded some stuff for them, then went into the TV to look up what was recorded.

Nothing. It was immediately obvious he had erased all of it, everything except Judge Judy, soap operas and that psycho Glenn Beck. Richard never said a thing. I had to ask him outright, after he watched me look for everything, if he had deleted them. He grunted. What an asshole. Lots of things, little things like this have made us desperate to escape. Dave said he understands that they’ve been alone like this for 12 years, but if it was his house, he would have welcomed us with open arms, mi casa su casa, stay forever if you want, what’s mine is yours. I asked him where his fucking house is, we want in, damnit!

We actually went over all his numbers, expenses versus income, and discovered it would be impossible for him to move out of his van into a house with us. We figured it would be a money saver all around, but as it is, he’s left with $550 a month left over, not including gas, food, and miscellaneous costs. He would have to trash his credit.

We went to Power to the Peaceful yesterday, an impromptu plan Dave remembered at the last minute, a concert in Golden Gate park. We assumed there’d be a couple bands, a food stand maybe, and a small crowd. No. We were quickly surrounded by 70,000 people, and Alanis Morissette was one of the myriad performers/speakers. It was a TRIP. I got that wonderful sense of community and love that I haven’t experienced since the Rainbow Gatherings and the good raves back in the 90’s. There were so many people there, jumping up and down, waving their arms together, it was totally awe-inspiring. Naia danced like a little nutcase, bouncing and bopping and ducking and rocking.

We were there all day, and sometime in there was when Dave offered us a different proposal. He said his credit is still good, in fact it’s excellent, and that if we wanted, he would take out a loan on a new or slightly used RV trailer for us. We would make the payments, but in the end it would be ours.

At first we said no way. We want out of damn RV’s, we need our space, we need internet. Naia needs a room, a place to run. We want our stuff out of storage. We don’t want to live all the way up in Rohnert Park, the closest RV park we know of, over an hour away. Too many neighbors, packed in like sardines, and we’ll never get out of it. If we got into that, we’re stuck.

Then we slept on it. This was last night, when I sobbed myself to sleep in despair, frantic to change this situation, missing lying next to Dustin. When he came into the van this morning, we talked again. Here is what we came up with:

• If we were paying monthly for a new RV, it’s money we’re investing in ourselves, instead of throwing it at strangers who overcharge.
• We still have yet to get an actual figure, but lot rent + monthly payments should equal not much more than $800 or so, far less than what we would be paying out, never to see a return on.
• In one year, when I receive my inheritance, we can borrow against it and put money down on some land, and actually have something to put ON that land. Something to start with.
• These trailers are amazing. They have pop-outs, built in entertainment centers, and the most amazing thing- toilets, sinks, and a shower. Unprecedented. The ones we were looking at could fit us 3 in very easily. Some things can be dealt with, like putting together and taking apart Naia’s Pack ‘N Play every night and not having much outdoor space, but all things considered, seem to be worth it.
• If I was able to put my name on the contract, I would be improving MY credit, too.

We found a spot today we may be able to park it, in Concord even, right nearby. It was Sunday today, so we weren’t able to find out the lot costs, unfortunately, but if they’re reasonable, it’s a very nice, clean park with little sheds and plenty of trees, in a nice neighborhood. I’ll find out tomorrow. We’d have to keep the storage space, and I’m not sure yet if they offer internet, but it’s nearby, and we can always take Naia to a park or something. We wouldn’t be there all the time.

The bottom line is that this is a major asset, our first. This is an important beginning rung in a ladder to self sufficiency, and we would be insane not to take it. I’ve learned that some things that seem like a terrible idea at first turn out to be the most beneficial, while most things that seem amazing and too good to be true usually are. This is a case of the former, and I think we should go for it.

Naia called Grampa while she was sitting next to me at the computer, playing with my phone. I didn’t realize I had left it near her. As I was typing, I heard in the back of my mind a voice, but didn’t pay attention until I heard, “Is this NAIA?” and I spun my head around. She had the phone to her ear, smiling and listening. It was insanely adorable.

Little nutball knows how to make a phone call now. We’re really in for it.

Another story for the day:

I was at the gym- I locked up my bag in a locker and went to put the key in my pocket as usual, and realized I had no pockets in my pants. Thinking I’d be clever, I reached way up to hide the key on top of the row of lockers. I pushed it way back close to the wall so I would know exactly where I left it, then stepped down off the bench I was standing on.

I heard, *Clink, clink, clink*

            And said, … “Oh, shit.”

How wonderful, a little hole right where I had my hand. The damn thing was entombed behind the row of lockers, behind all their back walls, and tiled in. There was no way I was going to get to it. I went to the guy out front and he brandished the gym’s ancient, chewed up little bolt cutters, and tried them out on my lock to break it off. Lucky for me, I had the most hardcore, super thick, unbreakable asshole shit lock ever, and it barely left a mark. This kid was stumped, so I went into the gym, looking for the biggest dude I could find to help. Old guy, old guy, skinny kid… there!

I said, “YOU!”

I think I scared him, this huge guy with a neck as wide as his head, looking all innocent. I explained what was going on, and he stood up proudly, all confident he would save the day, and swaggered into the women’s restroom.

Nothing! Barely a mark! I think I dented the poor guy’s pride. I ended up calling Dustin, and told him that the lowest quote I got from a locksmith was $88.

“Um, no… no… no…    I’ll be right over.”

Hooray for brains and leverage over brawn.

A laptop. An almost fully functional RV with the last remnants of all our earthly belongings in it. A van chocked full of camping gear, food, and baby stuff with only an inkling of a plan as to what comes next.

We're in Maine. It took eight hours of on and off driving, stopping mostly because the RV kept deciding that blowing chunks off the manifold was the most beneficial and efficient way to function at those particular times. Once we finally reached a parts store (thank the All for Blackberries and instantaneous Google maps), D was able to piece everything back together, and it only took another 4 hours or so to get here, to this fantastic wonderland that is the Maine Seacoast.

I think of all the beautiful places I've lived (and the nauseating, faintly suicidal ones), this is by far the one I will miss the most. It's ethereal, the night fog, the very specific smells, sounds, and flavors... it is so much its own soul.

It reminds me of Dad, how intensely he loved this place, and some words from the short journal he recorded from the month of his diagnosis up until he was no longer able to dictate. He had written a letter for Naia, ending abruptly with a description of the place and his deep love for it, and his hope for her to have relationships with her grandmothers Betsy and Nini. We touched on it briefly tonight at dinner with Jean at Fisherman's Wharf (we walked down and Naia walked all the way back without resting!)- I mentioned all the dreams I've had of him lately, how the pain seems more acute, more concentrated now then at the time of his death, how it touches me so much more profoundly lately. I feel him more closely now somehow. He is in my movements, my thoughts, my decisions. And I only wish I had more.

I don't think he would have minded my sharing his short journal with Jean. She is curious about so much of the thought process he went through during his spiritual pilgrimage toward passage, and he was always very open about it; he wanted others to know. It's another reason why I want to write something in his memory, some biography or blog or story about the journey of an ALS patient.

I hear those fog horns again. What a lonely, dark and beautiful sound.

I admit I’ve been putting off writing down my feelings and opinions about the presidential campaigning. There is simply so much in my head, such a huge range of emotions and thought patterns we’ve been experiencing since even the primaries, that the idea of trying to get them all down now, so late in the game, is daunting and overwhelming.

I am so appalled by the severely stunted immaturity of the right wing in their actions during all this. John McCain is a 70-something arrogant, narrow minded child. He picked as a running mate a cute, arrogant, narrow minded child with experience strangely similar to the age group. “I can see Russia from my state”??? Seriously?!

She spooks me with her absolute lack of commitment to her family. She has five children, including an infant, and she is in essence abandoning her duties to them to play VP 4000 miles away. Why isn’t there more coverage about that? Miss “Hockey Mom, Working for Your Families” was approached after the VP debate by her children, one of which was holding her sleeping infant, and not once did I see her approach it to share any motherly love or responsibility, to hold it or even LOOK at it. I am sickened. She is a horrible facsimile, a representation of a woman, a freakish robot. A woman against women’s rights? What the hell is going on here?

She was definitely trained well by the debate coaches- they nailed in all the correct responses so well that she had it down without hesitation. Until, of course, she was confronted with absolutely anything that wasn’t part of the planned-for question list, any “curve balls.” Like a good robot, she smiled (not dissimilarly from a snake) as she recited easily, and reverted to pre-planned answers, even if they weren’t relevant to the question.

If McCain actually managed to snag the straggling Clinton hangers-on by choosing Sarah Palin as his running mate, it will go to show the extent of their blind stubbornness when it comes to “vote woman or bust.” Palin is no woman, and she proves it over and over again by her lack of responsibility to her family, her stance on women’s rights, and her bullish, arrogant attitude in her support of John McCain. 

A “maverick” is defined as “a person who shows independence of thought or action.” Not only is the word vastly overused by him and his administration just in general (as in CONSTANTLY), it couldn’t be farther from the truth in defining McCain. I’m still looking for a difference between his policies and President Bush’s. Still. How independent of him.

Be real. Drilling won’t lower gas prices for a decade, and it just exacerbates the current issue- we need other options. It’s attitudes like this that continue to feed the greedy, “take all-ism” that defines us to the rest of the world. We consider ourselves superior in a myriad of ways, and fail to acknowledge the sheer tonnage of bullshit we spew daily. We consume far more than any other country, be it oil, plastics, food, fresh water, etc. We are completely uninvolved and disinterested in the rest of the world in our self infatuation, and create more blind, violent, misguided spawn to replace us and our “traditions.” Being proud to be American right now signifies an ignorance that defies all logic, and attacking Obama for being able to realize this and act on it in his campaign further proves McCain’s childish tendencies.

His reptilian blinking and rapid gestures during all three debates had me oddly mesmerised for long periods of time. He giggles much like Still-President Bush and rolls his eyes at Obama before launching into yet another repeat of the same handful of phrases and sentences focusing on attack rather than explanation of his views. As Jon Stewart said a couple nights ago... "His party will be so mad at him when they find out he recycles!"

Continuing to be as pigheaded as he was eight years ago in support of this ridiculous circus of a war belies to the rest of us who still have the capability of thinking for ourselves his total lack of intelligence. It is impossible to win this war- how would we know who's won? The other party slinking away, tails between their legs in a gesture of defeat? That’s all it’s about now? Somehow "winning" to satiate our bloated egos? Someone stop the wagon please, I need to get off before I vomit.
 

She (Palin) opposes reproductive choice and marriage equity. She's a member of the group  "Feminists for Life," which is dedicated to eliminating reproductive choice in this country.

"To the contrary, it is hard to count any objective measures by which Biden did not clearly win the encounter. She looked like she trying to get people to take her seriously. He looked like he was running for vice president. His answers were more responsive to the questions, far more detailed and less rhetorical. On at least ten occasions, Palin gave answers that were nonspecific, completely generic, pivoted away from the question at hand, or simply ignored it: on global warming, an Iraq exit strategy, Iran and Pakistan, Iranian diplomacy, Israel-Palestine (and a follow-up), the nuclear trigger, interventionism, Cheney's vice presidency and her own greatest weakness."
-John F. Harris and Mike Allen, Politico

She's good at memorizing lines after five weeks of intensive coaching, and delivering them with adequate doses of down-home warmth or arrogant sarcasm. That makes for a decent actress, not a world leader.
-Cheryl D., Houston, TX

The thought of Palin directing foreign policy and diplomacy efforts based on her Wasilla experiences is, frankly, frightening. She may as well be wearing a sign that says, "I plan to be a puppet, since I do not really know about this stuff."
-Kathy A., CA

· McCain voted against The Equal Pay Bill for Women. He said women ‘need education and training’ instead. [Source: aflcio.org; H.R. 2831, Vote 110, 4/23/08; Associated Press, 4/28/08]

· Palin wants to outlaw abortion, including for victims of rape or incest.

· McCain voted against the family and medical leave act, making it hard for women and men to take time from work to care for loved ones.[Source: aflcio.org S.Amdt. 16, S. 5, Vote 7, 2/4/93; H.R. 1, Vote 11, 2/4/93]

· Palin wants to teach creationism in the schools, making it harder for our teachers to compete with up-and-coming nations in science education.

· McCain opposed spending to prevent unintended and teen pregnancies.

· Palin does not believe that humans contribute to global warming and she wants to take the polar bear off of the endangered species list so she can drill for oil in Alaska.

· McCain opposed legislation requiring that abstinence-only programs be medically accurate and scientifically based.

· McCain's health care plan will require that benefits be taxed, the first time this would ever happen in America's history. This will
make it next to impossible to pay high medical bills with insurance benefits.

· During Palin's time as mayor, Wasilla was the only town in Alaska to charge rape victims for rape kits essential to finding their assailants.
I waited anxiously to hear Gov. Sarah Palin's views and not the views of others. Therefore I listened carefully to her first media interview since she became the Republican nominee for vice president.
I heard her link the war in Iraq with the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks. I was surprised. That was the view President Bush used to get us into the war, but even he has since rejected it.
After listening to her, not others, I must conclude that she is totally unprepared for the job. We just can't afford more years of this kind of reckless politics.
– Jerry Pedersen, Sacramento

 Hi Paypal-

I am so happy I called your customer service number before sending this shipment out- I had a woman reply to my craigslist.com ad offering me three times what I requested on a camera I was trying to sell, saying she was willing to pay more if I was willing to ship it to Africa.

Here is the entire exchange-

** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY --- AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY
** Avoid:  wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info:  http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html

Hello,
 I want your item for my son who went to study in West Africa as
graduation gift... So am willing to offer you $300 plus shipping via
USPS (EMS) First class mail to him. .. Am presently out of town for a
company assignment and i don't  know when I will be back to the state
and i dont want it to be late that why i want you to help me with the
shipping ...Get back to me with your paypal account address (ID) and
your name so i can send you the money there...
 Thanks.
Susan.

Hi Susan-

Sounds fine with me. I'm still trying to figure out all the logistics of PayPal- not sure what my ID is! I've been searching around on the site, and it seems like it could be my e-mail address, which is waywardcompass@gmail.com.
If that's not it, let me know and I'll try again!

Also, if you send me your son's name and address in Africa, I'll be sure to ship it out tomorrow morning for him.

Thanks-
Erin

Hello Erin,
     Thanks for that.... I will make the payment via paypal now and
get back to me when paypal mail you about the payment and make the
shipping via Usps Global Express EMS INTERNATIONAL MAIL the shipping
address is below kindly get it ship to him today hope to hear from you
soon.

NAME::Adesanwo Adeyemi
ADDRESS :: 109 Akinola Street Orogun Ojoo U I
           CITY :: Ibadan
       STATE::  Oyo State
 COUNTRY :: Nigeria
   ZIPCODE ::23402

Regard.
Susan.

Hello,
  Payment has been made for your item via paypal......... and the
money has been deducted from my paypal account so kindly get the item
ship and send me the tracking number thanks.

Hi Susan-
 
My paypal account still doesn't show any payment, but I'll be sure to ship it out immediately after I receive confirmation.
 
Thanks-
Erin

Hello Erin,
     I will advise you to go into your paypal account and check cos i
have make the paypal there here is the paypal account i send it to
waywardcompass@gmail.com   so hope to hear from you soon.

Susan.

Then I got this e-mail...

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: "service@paypal.com" <item.shipednow@accountant.com>
Date: Thu, 14 Aug 2008 19:09:22 +0100
Subject: ***AWAITING SHIPMENT TRACKING NUMBER***
To: waywardcompass@gmail.com

[image: PayPal] <https://www.paypal.com/uk>
 Dear Erin,

   We want you to know that we are awaiting your response over the shipment
of item paid for by our client.We want you to know that payment for this
item has been deducted from the Buyer's account "*Susan Smith*" and only
awaiting you to get to us with the Shipment Tracking number in order to get
your account accredited with the funds paid up. We want you to know that
this is a security measure we have to take by protecting both buyers
and seller's.
We can only extend the shipment due date for this item. We shall earnestly
await for your response in order to accredit your account and finally
complete this transaction. We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience we
might have caused you.

                                                    *** PLEASE NOTE***
   Once shipment has been verified  and the tracking number sent to us, You
will receive a " CONFIRMATION EMAIL" from PayPal(R) informing you that the
Money has been credited.
Note: PayPal will be responsible for the item loss or damage once we receive
the tracking number.

Sincerely,
PayPal

PayPal E-mail I.D PP843
PayPal World Online Payment.

(I immediately wrote back to the sender- 
"Is this a scam? Why are there so many grammatical errors in a professional e-mail? Who are you???")


...
My first question- why would a shipping number be of any benefit to anyone? Was that just to ensure that I shipped the camera out without her having to pay? And why would she literally just hand me the address to send it to if she was guilty of any kind of traceable scam? Is she innocent in all this and I just happened to have not received her payment yet? 

I was told by Paypal customer service that this e-mail was most definitely fraudulent, but I'm just trying to figure out if it has anything to do with the woman (Susan) who responded to my ad.

I'm looking forward to any response, thanks for your help!!!
-Erin Maloney


I want to wait 24 hours for Paypal to work on going after this person, then write her back and say, "Nice scam there lady, except for the fact that your grasp on the english language fell off the stupid tree and hit every alarm bell for any sane, logical person on the way down. Next time, make sure you don't sound like a twelve year old when trying to fraudulently acquire shit that isn't yours, bitch."

Thank you, drive through.

Constitution Of The State Of Arkansas Of 1874.

Article 19. Miscellaneous Provisions. § 1. Atheists disqualified from holding office or testifying as witness.

No person who denies the being of a God shall hold any office in the civil departments of this State, nor be competent to testify as a witness in any Court.

PART IV. CRIMES, PUNISHMENTS AND PROCEEDINGS IN CRIMINAL CASES

TITLE I. CRIMES AND PUNISHMENTS CHAPTER 272. CRIMES AGAINST CHASTITY, MORALITY, DECENCY AND GOOD ORDER Chapter 272: Section 36. Blasphemy Section 36. Whoever wilfully blasphemes the holy name of God by denying, cursing or contumeliously reproaching God, his creation, government or final judging of the world, or by cursing or contumeliously reproaching Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, or by cursing or contumeliously reproaching or exposing to contempt and ridicule, the holy word of God contained in the holy scriptures shall be punished by imprisonment in jail for not more than one year or by a fine of not more than three

hundred dollars, and may also be bound to good behavior